HELP FOR PARTNERS OF PORN ADDICTS

This is a great guest post from Lindsay McKinnon at a very informative website for the partners of porn addicts called http://www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com

HELP FOR PARTNERS OF PORN ADDICTS  

by

Lindsay McKinnon

I lived with a porn addicted partner for over three years... which resulted in my being treated for post traumatic stress disorder.

When I was looking for help for partners of porn addicts, I found very little. There is a huge misconception about porn addiction and what it is. Unless counsellors are specifically trained  in sexual addiction, then they can cause far more harm than good with their 'it's healthy, all men do it' advice. To begin, they do not recognise that it is an addiction or that they are dealing with an addict.

Like any other addict HE WILL LIE about how much he views, how it affects his thinking, his love making, his relationships.

HE IS AN ADDICT - HE WILL LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING. (my partner told his counsellor he watched no more than a couple of hours a week - in fact, he regularly watched up to eight hours a day).

The spouse of a porn addict is made to feel that she is the one that has the problem and should chill out...'it doesn't mean he doesn't love you' is not only not helpful, it is entirely wrong. Tests that were done with Rubin's Love Scale proved that even after a short exposure to porn, partners felt less attraction and less love for their partner.

For the partner it is a living nightmare. You feel as though you are the one running through the streets in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, desperately trying to tell others that your once loving partner is now a soulless unfeeling husk, but are looked on as being delusional - which only adds to the trauma.

Comments such as 'just sit down and talk to him about it' show a total lack of understanding of what is happening. If you just 'sat down and talked' to a coke addict about his addiction, would you really be naive enough to believe it would help? Of course not.

Yet porn is more addictive than cocaine.

Dopamine and Norepinephrine among other naturally produced chemicals provide a volatile cocktail that make porn the hardest drug to overcome,  and - unlike cocaine - the addict WILL NEVER GET IT OUT OF HIS SYSTEM. Images are burnt on to the brain that remain forever, and will come into his mind when he is making love to his partner, whether he wants them to or not.

The brain is physically rewired and actually changes shape to produce new neural pathways away from sex with a human being and instead toward masturbation to porn, until it becomes the only way he can attain satisfaction. To get the same level of his fix of Dopamine he has to watch more porn and watch a greater intensity of degradation (producing a testosterone rush).

Unfortunately, unless you have lived through this dreadful experience, or are trained to deal with porn or sex addiction specifically,  you cannot possibly begin to understand the devastating effects it has on a couple. Eventually the man is unable to make love unless he watches porn first and brings in some of the most degrading acts into what was once a healthy loving relationship.

Porn has become rife over the last twenty years and incidents of erectile dysfunction are now happening with young guys in their twenties because of it, We are now seeing the effects of the first generation that has been brought up in a porn culture where their first exposure to porn happens from age 11. Not Playboy porn, but hardcore, torture, degradation and rape - all free and all at the click of a button and all going into the brain of our youth, who think its a 'good way to learn about sex.'

Porn desensitizes to an alarming degree. In the UK we have just jailed a man for murdering 'the girl next door', by re-enacting the porn scenes that he watched regularly. When he had dumped the body, he went out for pizza and texted his g/f that he was bored.

I was devastated by my partner's addiction (and his skewed views on what was normal... including ideas that children should be able to make up their own minds if they are ready for sex or not). I couldn't find help anywhere.

I decided to use my skills as a writer and created a web site

www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com (brit spelling of behaviour) and am nearing completion of a book for partners called You Want Me To Do WHAT With That?! The Life Expectancy of a Relationship With a Porn Addict.

The site, and the book are written in a humorous style, but none the less serious in their intent. Humour breaks down many barriers and, by putting the situation the partner is facing in a way that shows how ridiculous it is, it helps the partner face what is a soul destroying situation.

The book includes comments and interviews with people and experts from all areas, including ex porn performers who show clearly how 'harmless' porn is not. You will also hear from porn performers who themselves are married to porn addicts, who will not make love to them, but will masturbate to porn instead.(which I think should be indluded in the dictionary under the definition for irony)

I would love to hear from partners of porn addicts, who have a story they would like to share with me to help other women.

I am starting a video series on my website in which I will be taking real stories and looking at what solutions are available in various situations.

I beg of other users not to confuse casual porn use with addiction and post comments that suggest 'simply do' this that or the other. There is no simple solution and porn addicts can take years to get over their addiction, with most failing to stay 'sober'.

I leave you with these statistics

Over 56% of divorces now cite excessive porn use in their petition.
Partners are most often mistreated for a problem they have, not for the resulting trauma of living with their partner's addiction.

One expert claims that 70% of partners end up being treated for post traumatic stress disorder (as I was).

Finally the Directory of  Mental Disorders will be adding porn addiction to their 2012 edition - which will hopefully result in a better education among counsellors.

This is a serious addiction, it is rife and it is devastating.                          No one wants to shout from the rooftops 'hey I can't get it up for my girlfriend anymore cos I watch too much porn', so it remains under the radar while spreading faster than an internet virus.

On the site there is a fun (yes, fun!) his/hers quiz, Paramour or Porn Perv which may throw some light on what you are facing and give you a laugh at the same time.

I wish you all the love and affection you are undoubtedly no longer getting at home.

Good luck

Lindsay McKinnon

If you would like to buy a copy of Lindsay's book to help a partner of a porn addict, you can do so here.

Invest in arms manufacture now,don't miss this wonderful opportunity.

As we sit here on the brink of armed conflict,all I can see is arms dealers rubbing their hand with glee.

I wonder where Mark Thatcher is today.

Probably in some eastern Ukrainian city looking to arm rebels of any faction.

I don't like to get political too much , but this is the clasic set up by the powers that be.....

Ecconomic Crash

Followed by long term armed conflict.

As the Eastern wars draw to a financial close , as far as the west is concerned, new areas of opportunity are being opened ....Ukraine can probably feed the worlds arm market for the next 20 years if its handled right.

Just put in place a few none negotiable points andoff you go.

Am I getting cynical in my old age?

Yes I am...the reason....Because they don't even bother to change the script.

Look forward to Ukraine becoming a perminent fixture on your TV screen for the next few years...oh and why not invest in a few arms companies while the banks are giving such low interest rates.

Thats what they will be investing in...

Russell Brand! Is he talking sense now?

Knobhead on the rise.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-24648651

Watch this interview between Russell Brand

Brand, as you all know, is Bob's Nemesis, as he sucks the humour out of any situation.

But since he has stopped taking ridiculous amounts of various substances, he seems to be able to string a sentence together and his knobheadery seems to be largely absent.

Watch the way he handles Paxman, whose normal way is to shout people down, but Brand gives him nothing to shout him down about, so he is left there floundering for a negative headline and failing miserably.

Check out Brand's evidence to the Parliamentary Commision on drugs.....he actually argues a very sound case.

I never thought I would ever say itand Bob will probably make me take this post down, but WELL DONE RUSSELL.

Keep up the good work and stay off the knobhead making substances and who knows, in a few years you might be in a position to effect how things are run around here.

www.burybob.com

PORN 21ST CENTURY STYLE

PORN 21ST CENTURY STYLE

Written and Presented by Lindsay McKinnon

 www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.co

Additional Material & Voices  by Bury Bob                                  www.burybob.com

Produced by Ian Jameson for Mappamundi Media

(UK) 01706 876 995
thegoddessprinciple@gmail.com

There's a Pussy Riot goin' on!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p01hs5t8/Storyville_20132014_Pussy_Riot_A_Punk_Prayer/

If you have access to the BBC Iplayer then please take the time to watch this documentary about Pussy Riot, the Russian punk band.

I only wish we had toung people doing stuff like that in Britain....instead of seeing who can drink themselves to death first.

These three young women are truly reluctant heroes....Their silly protest managed to reveal the Russian justice system for what it is....a sham.

Pussy Riot are my new heroes and those are the kind of people our Government should be speaking out for.....but it would mean we might have to pay more for oil so we can't do that.

I don't know whether it is because I'm getting older or is the world really turning into a shit place.

I remember when I believed my Government had my best interests at it's heart.

Now I'm not so sure.

Check out this great vid and comment comment comment!

Diet Shake Recipe and How To Put It Together

Facebook or Fleecebook.

Is this the way we want to communicate?

‘Meet the sheep of your dreams today’ as one of my many taglines proclaims.

Facebook is scary. It has rapidly become (along with Twatter) the most popular form of communication worldwide today.

It is the easiest way to analyse on a massive scale an insight into the human condition, or collective psyche. This is where it becomes scarier.

A massive amount of users are illiterate, violent, racist, boring, suicidal,  dishonest, insane, abusive, terrible photographers, addicted to pouting, morally inept, vain, alcoholic, drug abusing, sexually inadequate, perverse, obese, ugly, sad, disillusioned, unhappy & hate themselves.

The scariest part? These are just the people on our friends list.

Don’t forget to check out Bury Bob’s many videos at www.burybob.com